How to Love A Person with Cancer

I AM Loved.

Loving is Balance with Care.

There are so many ways that I have experienced Love from my family and my Crew.  So many ways that when I could not do for myself, I allowed myself to receive the LOVE that was being presented to me.  Below are just a few ways that I received and shared Love. Gratefully and with compassion, Love is an exchange between the caregiver and the person who is ill. This is an intimate exchange of trust, communication and spiritual principle

This is just a beginning.  Depending on your life and love I am certain you will come up with a few personalized treasures to enjoy. My Suggestions: (And this is a short list.)

1. Touch them. Full on hugs may not be appropriate. Find ways to touch them or their heart. I received a hand in the shoulder. A foot massage. In this era of covid I would suggest energy exchanges. Send loving thoughts. Reiki. Intentionally connect. (It can be as simple as rubbing your hands together while thinking about a favorite verse and then directing that energy towards each other.  Keep It Simple).

Also, I have received a call asking if I needed anything from the store.  Someone paid an unexpected vet bill.  I have received grocery gift cards and flowers.  heart felt touch does not make up for the physical touch. However, it does make for settling into feeling like I am being seen at a deeper level.

2. Find something they can’t do for themselves and help them. Yesterday I was reminded of this very acutely. My dog Priya had an upset stomach.  Cleaning up behind her was all I could do.  Exhausted but valiant we carried on. Awhile back When a cleaning service gifted me four sessions to get my house back in order I did the Cha. Cha.  It meant so much to me.

3. Help them continue to do a passion. It could be gardening, crafting, art, cooking, visiting grandchildren etc. This may include buying supplies to encourage them to create something beautiful.

4. Prepare for emergencies together. Take the time to understand what would be needed to give your friend or loved one a feeling of being prepared and safe. Don’t dwell there. Items will shift over time. Face uncertainty with care and compassion together.

5. Be present. Check in. I have been blessed. When something is going on my Crew gives me the space to work it out. However, they check in to see how things are progressing. You do not have to fix everything.  Leave space to be present yet allow them to continue to live their life, make their decisions. You do not have to take over.  Then when or if the circumstances do require an acute level of care, you will have the energy to handle it.  If you allow yourself to be in perpetual crisis mode it is not serving them or you. (I say this with Love.)

One day when my sister called I was crying.  There was 12 steps between me and the shower.  I did not if I could make it. My sister says to me, "Get up there's not a damn thing wrong with you."  That was the first day I took a shower by myself.  However, when I have needed help it's been "What do you need?"  and then she/they have help facilitate the urgent need.

6. Say Thank You now.  Say Thank You for the little things that they may do or say. It will mean the world to them. Self esteem can be waning. Feeling valued is healing. Feeling like you are making a positive contribution is life affirming.

7. Accept them where they are today. "It" will not make sense to you. It does not have too. The meds does things to the brain. The illness does a number on self esteem. Cancer energetically is an angry energy. Do not take things personally. Abuse is never acceptable. Get help if required. Love them enough to say, "We need help."  The cancer facility that is supporting me medically has provided a social worker, a palliative care nurse and other support.  I also work with a therapist.  The spiritual center I attend has a weekly spiritual discussion, not related to cancer.  This group has been invaluable. Need help. Get help.

8. Create spiritually poignant spaces.  Creating spiritually poignant spaces can go in cycles or become a treasured ritual. Do something spiritual like: prayer, meditation, movement like qi gong or spiritual readings. When undergoing treatment, a person who is experiencing cancer may not be able to get to their inner space. This can be frightening. Establish your spiritual partnership now so that when it's time to go into God,  you can assist. We are one Energy. It is easier than you may think if you do it now. Learn how to come into sacredness together. Do something that brings a sacredness to their living space and share this with them. Cultivate spirituality.

9. Release judgement that this situation is “good” or “ bad.”  Having opinions can create strife and unintended tension. Not placing value on actions, diagnosis or the current moment will take the pressure off of everyone. Know and be grateful for each moment. Breathe.  This is a unfolding journey not a sprint with a predetermined destination.

10. Be honest about where you are at and How you are doing. This is the biggest gift because there is nothing worst than you disappearing on your person because you got burnt out. Set boundaries. Get rest. Enjoy your life, without guilt, even if this is tough. Find something that allows you to acknowledge grief as you are going through through this experience too. Cancer is a communal event. Take care of yourself. By loving yourself, you are loving them.

11. Bonus. Find something new to do together. My sister and I discovered beading. Actually together was the new part. She beaded and I didn’t know that about her. I beaded and she didn't know that about me. It gave us a great non-cancer activity, creative conversations and lots of laughter. Important for healing this together time worked my brain and kept  me problem solving. We are closer because as we planned gifts and projects our relationship deepened.

My Crew has told me many times how being involved with this journey has changed and challenged them  I did not always understand what they were saying.  I only know what each of them means to me.  I had to learn how to receive love.  Receiving love that was offered so freely has been one of the gifts of cancer.  I have learned that a cancer journey is not mine alone.  What a great Love that has been revealed.

Namaste.

Blessing BE Unto You.